I am not ok and it is ok
So I am back, I am not going to lie, this has been a crap couple of weeks for me emotionally and mentally. The main thing is I have managed to write again, I am trying to also face up to the feelings that I have and have been having. I am being more honest with people and I am not only saying that I am “ok”, when I am clearly not feeling it. It is slow, small baby steps. But it is all a start. So I am trying to feel positive about all of this. This is not an easy thing to write, as simply writing it makes me feel like a let-down.
I am not sure if you know how it feels, to want to cry randomly, for no real reason. To feel like a failure for everything. To feel like you don’t deserve happiness, or that you are the very reason that you don’t have the happiness that you search for. The feeling of not being able to breathe, the crushing of your chest, the overwhelming feeling of panic. All of these things are crap, like big time shit. They not only make me feel like poo, but they also have a direct impact on those around me. My family, my friends, just everyone, which in turn makes me feel guilty and kicks off the whole vicious circle of crap once more!
There is a lot more knowledge now of mental health issues, and for this I am grateful, however some people do seem to think that you are just jumping on a band wagon, trying to be in with the in crowd. I can tell you there is nothing that I wish for more than not to feel this way, not to have to write this post. The reason I write all of my posts, is because I truly hope that I can help someone else and secondly, because writing is a kind of therapy for me. The other thing that I have really found that helps is my running. I guess it is the endorphins that people talk about, after I feel like I achieved something and I am lucky enough to be involved with a great group of runners.
However the guilt that I feel for even being in this position is overwhelming. I have a great family, fella and friends, so I really don’t understand where the dark, down days come from. I used to be really sociable, what 99.9% of people will not know about me is for all I am the one telling jokes, the one laughing and instigating fun, I am actually shy and socially awkward. When I have the bad days, I have been having it makes me want to hide even more. So I isolate myself and I feel like I punish others who don’t deserve it. I also fly off the handle and cry in the middle of the street. Yes, this is me. No one signed up for this, especially me.
It is hard for me to write down how I feel, because to be honest I am not always sure that I know, but I couldn’t exactly post an empty piece of writing, who will that help? One way I can describe it is feeling empty and numb and kind of stupid. I am sure there are way better adjectives to describe this, but that is the thing, sometimes you just don’t know how to describe the indescribable.
I do not wish to be a label, I don’t want people to avoid me, just as much as I don’t want people to constantly as me if I am ok and how I feel. I guess that is a contradiction, but I think what people need to realise is that people with depression, anxiety, etc. are real people. They exist. They aren’t weird, they don’t look different to you. In fact it could be you. Let’s keep the conversation talking, so that others can open up about it too.
If you want to drop me a line, please do. I am also on Twitter , Instagram and Facebook if you need an ear to listen. Just know you aren’t alone, even if you feel like you are and feel like shit.