I will survive this

I take a step back, 
As I feel the Whack, 
I have taken a stumble and fell, 
I know this might not end well, 

I don’t even know what I did wrong, what did I do, or say, 
To make him react this way?
I know deep down I’m not to blame, 
Every time it is the same, 

Someone looks at me “in that way”, 
He hears what he thinks I would say, 
I know this time it is nothing I have said, 
I feel his fist connect with my head, 

I cower and raise my hands to stop further blows, 
When will this stop? No one knows,
People look on in disbelief, they are too scared to act, 
Too scared to see him react, 

He is screaming and calling me a slag, 
While I lie here, his punch bag, 
I say that I am sorry, even though I am not, I have nothing to be sorry for,
The only reason I am sorry is that I was too scared to leave him before, 

He seems to slow down and starts to be quieter, the calm after the storm, 
I know what is coming, it is now the “norm”, 
He starts to cry and hugs me, 
He says it over and over again, he is sorry, 

I flinch with every touch, 
I have had it now, this is too much, 
I have wanted to end it for so long, 
Yet I remain scared when I have to be strong, 

I even thought about ending my life, 
No one understands how hard it is to leave this trouble and strife, 
Now I know I have to fight on, I can give up, 
I use a tissue to mop my blood up,  

I no longer cry,  
I can’t anymore, I would rather die, 
Than give him the satisfaction of still being in control, of knowing the effect he has on me, 
He picks me up, I rise unsteadily, 

The tears are running down his face, 
I look at him in fear, anger and disgrace,
How can he think that this is ok?
What makes him act in this way?

We start walking back home, 
I wish I was here alone, 
I know that something has clicked inside of me, 
A new wave of bravery, 

I can’t live in this cycle anymore, 
Scared to speak, move, be me and so much more, 
I know that tomorrow is a new day, 
Tomorrow is when I will say, 

I am leaving, we are no more, 
Take your things and get out of the door, 
I will call my friends and police if I have to, 
I am escaping this prison he has made, for 2, 

I am better than this, 
Deserve more than this 
Will fight this, 
And will survive this. 


Comments

  1. This was such an eye opening poem. I think it's incredible how you can use art to describe such a difficult subject. This will be such an inspiring poem to anyone who may experience this to know that they too can survive this.
    Shauna
    www.bellesreveries.com

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    1. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my blog. I live in hope that maybe it will help someone in a similar situation.

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  2. A testament of strength and resilience. It's good to see that the speaker of the poem knows that they have nothing to be sorry for. The fact that they find the strength to free themselves from a tyrant is uplifting and I'm sure will give hope to anyone reading it who is in a similar situation.
    Thanks for your comment on my poem on Twitter @jamescraigeames. All the best.

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    1. Thank you so much, it means even more coming from you. Such a compliment

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  3. wow, this is such a bittersweet poem. It's awful you had to go through this to be able to write it in such a touching way, but it really is an amazing poem showing the strength that you managed to find knowing its not your fault and you deserve better in life. x

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    1. I am so grateful for your feedback. At the time the last thing you think you can do is survive, but then something inside me made me know I had to get out and I hope others can too! x

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  4. Hi Lynne. Been there. Left him. Not quite divorced but working on it. Best Midlife Twist.

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    1. We really have parallel lives! Well done you! you are a survivor.

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