The ageing process; a frank and honest view, be warned!
So this is the thing, you are like 21 and then one day you wake up and BANG you are over 30! Someone has taken over your body, added bits, taken bits away and added parts of your mother!!
Seriously I remember being able to do my make-up, without having to lift my now several chins, to make sure I have even coverage. Have you ever been on Skype and just been transfixed with the weird old person in the small box on the right of the screen? Or even worse turned on the camera on your mobile and it has been facing TOWARDS you!?!?! Scary huh!
You see no one really warned me this was going to happen. I mean sure “old” people had mentioned it when I was younger and somewhat firmer, but who listens to “old” people? I never realised I was going to have hair in places it had never been before. I am sure there is some bloke looking for the hair he lost from his head and it’s now growing on me! I know it is gross, but it is true.
Let’s just take moment to realise the pain levels needed to wax your upper lip. Where does all of the hair come from? A few years back there was like 1 or 2 hairs, now it’s like a hairy frigging invasion on my head. I can’t even say face, coz the bastards seem to sprout from everywhere! Like you start plucking your eyebrows and can keep going to your toe nails. I’m not a 1900’s circus attraction, but I am defo on their waiting list. Like the tache I once had is now full on sideburns and now even UNDER my chin. I mean hairs out of your nose and on your toes?!?!? Do not even get me started on just how wrong that one sentence alone is.
When I was younger I remember casually running a razor over my legs and hey presto! Ready for a night out. Now I need at least 48 hours’ notice, coz that there hair just goes on and on forever. In fact, I am sure that by the time you reach your ankles the pubes have already started their bid for escape to meet their hairy mates at the knees!
It is so unfair when you think about it, all these guys walking around bald, trying all kinds of caffeine shampoos and transplants, while I am here like a playdoh hair factory (push function not even needed), or a cress farm growing out of wet cotton wool! The irony. What the hell am I going to be like when I am 80! I will definitely not be able to get into the strange positions needed to locate the hairs on the backs of my legs, might have to opt for plaiting once a week at the hairdressers.
Then there is the fact that gravity threw a giant shit ball at my face and it seems to be making plans to join my chest in the near future. My years of wanting to be any shade of mahogany, other than pale and interesting has led to turd like stains on my face and I’m not even sure I ever played bingo to warrant the inevitable wings. I am so going to be poor forever, so there will be no tucks and removal of my spare tyre, there in case of a fall in the deep end of the local pool, ( I never go, don’t worry you can get the mental image of me in a swimsuit out of your head… mind bleach may be required).
So I have decided I will have to grow old disgracefully, hairily (not even a word) and looking like a landslide hit my face! Don’t you just love getting old.