My confesion ... living with the dreaded P


So I have a confession,  one that will shock you, one that can potentially fuck up our relationship and the understanding that you have for me. You see it is easy, whilst typing away and not having to face new people to forget the fact that I am, as some have said a bit of a freak! “How? “ I hear you ask.

Well you see, I haven’t always been this way, this change happened when I was about 24. I have the dreaded P, psoriasis.  It all started when I was working 70+ hours a week, stressed and run down.  It crept up on me like a sniper, it all started with a small patch on my upper thigh, that at the time the doctor thought might be ringworm. However I think my parents (and me deep down) knew what it was and how shit things would become. You see I have inherited all the amazing genes from the rents and it’s my dad’s genes that have led me to this flaky existence.

My dad had had psoriasis for a long time, really bad and thick skin, that tore holes in his trousers. So I lived in some fear of getting it, but then as the years went on was happy that I didn’t have it so would never get I (or so I thought).

And yet here I am a red, itchy, flaky mess. Don’t get me wrong I am way better now than when it started, oh then I was literally covered from head to toe. Even got it on my eyelids and all in the space of weeks. I turned from a confident, outgoing young woman to a person who hides behind clothing and hates meeting new people. I hate meeting new ignorant people should I add. The ones who think I have aids and HIV and think I am contagious. Yes these bellends actually exist. There is nothing like being out and about and having a relatively good day, for one of these stupid bastards to shout “Er look at her, yuk. Don’t touch her you will get it” to pretty much piss on your parade.

I am happy to say that now I am not covered quite as badly as I was. However it is still on my hands, arms, legs and scalp, so bad enough. I have good days and totally black, shit days. I want everyone to know you cannot catch it. It is an autoimmune disease. It has taken away so much from me, so many nights and days out, so much time crying, the possibilities of outfits to wear shrank to next to nothing. There are days when  I want everyone to have it for a day, so they can see what it is like and increase the understanding. There are other days when I think “sod it” and just try to get on with life. I wear a vest top and show the world my shitty arms and just deal with the stares and comments, even the pointing (which everyone’s mam should have told them was rude) .

I try and rise above it, but believe me that isn’t easy. Some days I want to give up and other days I have more fight in me than Tyson (without the dodgy disrespect for the law).

I can only think of a couple of positives that came out of this (and believe me I want to end on a positive) and they are as follows.

·         I have learned who my real friends are.

·         I know that for a fella to like me (or even a new mate), it is definitely and somewhat ironically more than skin deep.

·         The we shouldn’t be so quick to judge others, based on looks and everything more.

·         That some days are shit, but that I will live through them.

·         Most of all, we should love and respect ourselves and our bodies, because we are all unique, whether in a good or a bad way.

·         My personality can get me through most situations and that will never fade, unlike external beauty.

·         I will be like this forever and it’s not the end of the world.

·         Not to pull others down to keep us up.

·         We are all going through our own shit, just some people don’t show it, or it isn’t as visible as mine.

Comments

  1. It is a horrible thing for you to have to live with. I worked with a sufferer a few years ago and I know how difficult it can be. She was really aware of other people looking at her and it made her really withdrawn socially. Well done for focusing on the positive as it is the one thing that keeps us all going !

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    1. Thank you for your kind words. Yes it is something that you have to learn to live with and not let it define you, which is way easier said than done of course. People can be very nasty, but I try and let it go over my head. Positivity and a sense of humour, I would be lost without both. Have a great day.

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  2. I'm sorry that you have to go through getting stared at, and the commenting that people make. I don't have psoriasis, but when I was 22 I went through makeup artistry school where it was super intense and we were using prosthetics - we did about 6 different looks per day on each other. Long story short, my face eaten up with cystic acne, and I never had it as a teenager! I was like the brokest person in my class - everyone else came from money and they went and had facials and could afford expensive skin care, while I couldnt. Well when school was over, 6 months later, I moved back to Columbia, SC where I worked at an ULTA (beauty store) and every freaking day someone would hand me their dermatologists card and refer a cream to me. Man, I went home so many times crying and just feeling so ugly. I started really not liking myself, and doubting whether or not I should even be in the beauty industry. I felt like I robbed myself of my beauty because it was my decision to go to that school and this is what I got from saving my money, working hard, not partying at 22, I was pissed off!
    Until one day I saw these girls who were kind of shy and they were brushing off the other beauty advisors who offered to help them, but I could tell they needed help - they just looked lost. So when I approached them they literally seemed to relax and they asked me questions about what I was wearing and they complimented my makeup, it was a good feeling. These girls had acne as well, and they told me *they weren't trying to be rude or anything* that they felt more comfortable with me helping them because I was going through it too. I did their makeup for them, and seeing them smile like that was just so amazing, it was that encouragement that I needed to not give up just because I didn't look like everyone else, or my skin wasn't as smooth as everyone else.
    8 years later, yeah I still break out, and I have the scars and the little "crater" marks on my cheeks that show my battle (it was a **** tough one). I even had an allergic reaction to coconut oil this past August and broke out in hives all over my face and body (for 11 days) and couldn't even go to work because I couldn't "look the part".
    I still hear comments, and have younger, flawless, girls stare at me, but I'm able to help others going through it, and that's what matters most to me.
    I think your story can really inspire others, its really really hard, especially when you can't even freaking inspire yourself. However, you've just got to keep pushing. Keep writing your story because you're going to reach and influence so many others to start loving themselves for who they are. And in return, those people help you love yourself just a little bit more too. <3 <3 <3

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    1. Kalyani, first of all I would like to commend you on letting your story be heard. You realise that this is you taking control of this and kicking it's arse, so well done. You do not know just how much you entire comment has touched and moved me. I am honoured that you chose to reply. I see this as my way to help others, I have had days where I felt so low, that I never want anyone to feel like that. I also want people to know they never need suffer alone. What you have done takes courage and a beauty that is internal as well as external, to keep going back and not to hide away. I am actually a qualified beauty therapist, but I can't find a job, because of my skin, but you know what that doesn't bother me, I am better than that and those judgemental types. Keep being amazing and walk with your head held high. Hugs <3 <3

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