Death is a bastard! My motivation for this blog.
I have had a few people asking me, “why now?” What made you decide to write a blog, publish the internal brainfarts and quit working. Well you see, this year has been unkind in ways I never expected. This year saw me lose a very dear and close friend. A friend who was only 33, so way too young to die, (there I said the D word!!). This friend was someone I had known for 30 years, we had lived next door to each other, gone to the same schools, even worked together. I thought he would always be there, he was like my little brother.
However, that’s not the case now. I can’t just send him a message, or go out for drinks and bad karaoke. No my world crumbled a little more that day. So from something so negative and destroying, I had to think about putting something positive back into my life, re-think my priorities. For my friend, I wanted him to not have gone in vain, for his passing to be a lesson. For it not all to have been for nothing. Because of him I have kept up the running, that we both laughed at (a huge lifestyle change and improvement to my health). I have looked at my life and decided I don’t want to work in dead end jobs, for huge companies that treat me like a number. I have decided to chase my dreams and see what happens, what have I got to lose? So I have always been creative, always dreamt of writing and so I took a huge leap of faith.
People have said that I am brave, others that I am crazy. I am neither of those things, (ok a little bit crazy), I am just plodding along with the realisation life is too short. I am sure I will be working again soon. This time doing something I at least enjoy more and hopefully something more worthwhile. I have started to agree to be more sociable and to volunteer for things to help others.
Of course from this shit part of my year, it isn’t all life affirming decisions and rainbows coming from the dark clouds, No! Death is a bastard and has affected me a lot over the years, people going much too soon. So another layer of brick joins my wall. The one that I use to keep people out, in the hope I won’t get hurt again. Even though when you’re as soft as me, it still happens (in true Cancerian style, hard on the outside). I have thought about “friends” and who they are, what that word even means. I am less scared to cut ties and be alone. As a wise woman once told me (my mam) you are better being alone and lonely, than being alone in a room full of people. I am more appreciative of those people who are always there for me.
So I have one thing left to say. To my friend I miss and love you so, so much, even though visiting me in my dreams is freaking me out and making me sad, (just writing this has had me in floods of tears). I hope that you are looking down on me laughing and proud, coz this is for you hun.
Lastly Death, you awful, unfair, total bastard! Screw you! When it’s my turn to go, your shit will have made me stronger, happier and an all-round version of me. Two fingers to you!