A post for you guys (girls welcome too) about sex and relationships

So people seemed to think that this blog would only be read by women. I am happy and surprised to say I have been contacted by lots of men, who have given me feedback. So I decided it was time to write something specifically with you guys in mind. “What will she write?” I hear you ask. Well I thought I would give you an insight into the mind of a woman, (mine, so this could be fun, awkward and awful) and through some chats with mates (rest assured, not only my brainfarts).  

So what is it us women want? It is quite simple really, (even though I get that we may make it seem difficult). We want someone who adores us, but not in a clingy, creepy way. Someone who is there for us, but not in a stalker way. Someone to hug us when we are crying, but be our hero when we are in need.

I was always into the bad boys when I was younger, now that I am older I have to say I have realised just how many of the good ones got away (I would have hated dating them then though), because I was wasting my time on these “bad lads”. I loved the thrill of the chase, we always want what we can’t have after all. It was exciting and you never knew where you were, from one day to the next. Except I always did, heartache and a history of disappointments. Teenage years (and older) that should have been sponsored by Andrex (Not for the reasons you are thinking guys, not like your teenage bedroom floors).

I guess what makes it hard for guys to understand about us is the fact that we are a bit of a contradiction, we want the best of both worlds in a way. I still can’t cope with needy men, yet I hate it when I am ignored.  We don’t need huge romantic gestures, (although they are sometimes nice) as long as it is a well thought out gesture then we are happy. Some of the best dates I have had have included the simple things, like a bag of chips at the beach in the cold, whilst having a snuggle.

I know I certainly look for honesty, but unless you want to be friend zoned in the very beginning, talking about your shits and stuff , don’t always go well. Note that women do think they can just be friends with men, (I have a lot of male mates) I do not wish to sleep with you, kiss you, or be with you in any way other than a mate. If you feel this way, do not stay in the friends zone, tell me and we will part ways, I will do the same visa versa.  There is one dangerous kind of mate (male and female), the one who tries it on, because they see the friend zone as their way into your pants! (Been there and I am not sure how some peoples balls are still attached).  This does not mean to say friends never end up in a relationship, but I would say this is few and far between.  Once you have seen your lad mate drunk and leary, smelt their farts and know their dating history, it is a bit of a turn off. Let’s just say the mystique has gone!  The honeymoon period in relationships is short enough, we don’t want to speed up that process.

I guess with relationships it is very similar to sex. Some days we want a quickie and sod the consequences, other days we want it long and slow, with the focus on an orgasm. The orgasm does exist, if you think it is a myth then you need to Google how to give one and look at the science part. Do not believe everything you have seen in porn, this is not real life remember. Even better experiment with what works and doesn’t, think rubbing places like you’re sanding a chest of drawers, not good! Having a laugh while trying to find out what makes each other tick, very good! Please note that the patience and time needed (not to mention the cramp) will be well worth it and after all you are more likely to receive something similar for your efforts. Win, win.

All women are different, (just as you men) and where as I love to go to the pub and watch the footy, this is not for every woman, some will see this as a nightmare date. This leads me on nicely to the real biggie, the actual secret of all relationships (and you are getting this advice for free!) COMMUNICATION. There you go, I said it the C word, only outshone by the actual biggie Commitment (feel free to have a pint now, I know that was a hard word to read for some of you).  Communication is frankly where all sexes cock up (pardon the pun). You see in order to find out who likes what and if they are a potential partner (if you are looking for a shag, this is so much easier now with online dating, so you know what to do, but please tell them this from the off, breaking hearts isn’t big or clever) what you need to know is what makes them tick. In order to find this out you will actually have to, brace yourselves lads, talk to the female. This does not have to be like a spoken version of war and peace, no, no. Just as a few questions. Answer any questions she asks honestly and you are good to go. Now at this point there is no point in either party just saying what they think the other wants to hear, you have to be honest. I mean you might find out that she likes dressing as Harry Potter in the bedroom too, what a match. Think of those unfulfilled fantasies, you could be living out together.  

I honesty do not know how I would cope with dating in this age of swiping and all that virtual stuff. I am a firm believer that a proper night out should not involve phones, before during and after. If you are so busy trying to show everyone on social media how amazing your night is, believe me it is not great. The best nights are those enjoyed in the moment, even if you all lose your memory by the end of the night. The whole spontaneity seems to have been lost, which is a shame for dating. Some of the stories I hear from mates, I can assure you no one wants a dick pic, by the way, unless they have asked for it. If you haven’t been chatting long, beware she will show everyone she knows. Us girls do share pretty much everything, if not everything, with each other. So I think we need to start a revolution, go out like the old days, talk, make crap jokes, use cheesy chat up lines and just have fun. Leave your phones on silent and enjoy the fact you might actually be talking to the new woman ( or man) in your life. Go for it, embrace the freedom of living in the here and now.

I am so thinking that I can be an agony aunt/relationship advisor right now! Hope you enjoyed reading, as much as I enjoyed writing this. There could be more to come (Freudian slip).