A down kinda day

So have you ever just woken up and already feel a bit panicky and sad. I did this morning and I really don’t know why, I was thinking maybe it was a dream that I had had, but I think that the reality is that I am sometimes a depressed person. I feel like there are constant ups and downs.  You see everyone is always surprised and shocked if I am not the happy, jokey, smiley me. Which means that when I am not that person, people seem to take more notice of me and what I am doing. It is almost like I am not allowed not be down, sad and serious, which is ok on a good day. However good days are sometimes few and far between. I am someone that literally paints on my face and gets on with it, because I don’t sometimes feel like I have any other choice. Today I wanted to just stay in bed, but a physio appointment and a pre-arranged meet-up means that wasn’t possible.

It is the same as when I have a problem, I feel myself making it into a funny story, or anecdote so that people listen, coz I am always the one listening. I love my mates and family, so I don’t mind listening to them for hours on end, but this seriously spreads to just general people who come in contact with me. It is like I have a face that cares, or I look like a carer, I am not sure.

It makes me think I cannot be the only one like this, so what does this say about the society that we live in?! Is it just that I am lonely? Am I a glass half empty person? Does this all lie on me, or is there a greater reason out there for these feelings? I have to say that this is not something new to me, it is something that I have felt for as long as I can remember, sometimes I have hidden it better than others, whether that be masked with alcohol and crazy nights, or literally masked under my make-up.  Who am I lying to? Me? The world? Why do I feel this way?

There seems to be a whole lot more questions than answers and it seems that there doesn’t even have to be a reason for me to feel this way. Sometimes I merely feel like a prisoner of my own head, my own thoughts. I go to bed, unable to sleep, for things whirling around my head, nothing even important, just crap floating around in the space between my ears. I lie awake for so long, it is morning by the time I am asleep. Then when I need to wake up, I just can’t open my eyes, but I have to get up and on with the day, then I feel so tired, yet can’t sleep and off we go again. On the emotion fairground, the round and round of the Ferris wheel, with the ups and downs of the roller-coaster.

I don’t want sympathy and I don’t want to give up.  I have seen people be taken way too soon in life and I would feel it unfair for them leaving us at a time where they were not ready, or wanting to go. What would be great would be more of an understanding of what I feel and why I feel this way and someone just to listen.

If you feel down, please do not lose your voice to those who shout louder. Do not be a stranger to you, or your friends and family, speak and realise you are not alone.