A very English introduction

Well how does a very English (in some ways) lady (in way fewer ways) introduce herself to an audience of possibly no one?  It would appear this bit is way more difficult than sharing my inner most brainfarts!

Well let’s get the very basics down, this feels like a job interview, or team building exercise now.  I am a 37 year old North-Eastern (from good old Blighty) expat, who now lives in The Netherlands. No I don’t smoke weed, or live in a red window. Some days I feel 19 and others 90, physically. However mentally I kind of always feel around 19! Which leads to many moments of crisis, breakdown and pure confusion as to who I am and what I am supposed to be doing, or feeling. You see I am at that age where some people think I am still young and others think I am old. It is that really irritating in-between age and I want to be young again sometimes, in fact most of the time (but definitely know what I know now).

I am an optimistic pessimist, a complete oxymoron, possibly just a moron to be honest. I am a contradiction I guess, you see I am always happy is what people seem to say and think about me, especially if they don’t know me. However I am actually a little bit up and down all the time.  I found out from an early age that make-up could be used as a mask and I rolled with it. I mean I am less obsessed now than I was, the good thing to come with age is giving less of a shit.

I call a spade a spade and it doesn’t always go down well. Despite this, I am sometimes so kind it is to my own detriment and I end up shitting on myself in a roundabout kind of way.  I mean I never want to hurt anyone, that is unless they have hurt my family, or friends. I am loyal to the point it is actually a bad thing for me, so as well as shitting on myself I end up being shit on by those who supposedly love me the most and who I am the most loyal to. Disappointment has played a huge part in my life, self-inflicted, inflicted by others and generally realising I am now at the grand old age of 37 and am nowhere where I thought I would be in any area of my life. I mean at the moment I am not working and have no real idea what I want to do, or who I really want to be.  I mean the fact that this was made cool in a song that now speaks to me in a very different way , should make it ok, but doesn’t really;

“The most interesting people I know didn't know at twenty-two what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting forty year old's I know still don't” Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) Baz Luhrmann

You see I am not even that interesting, luckily I am not forty yet, so I live in hope for the next 3 years! So why would you even want to read this blog? I hear you cry. Well you see from those brainfarts, breakdowns and crisis’s comes some gems of knowledge and waffle and most of all I am hoping we can go through this journey together. I am hopeful that I am not the only one and you can say that this is our journey and that we are actually really normal, all whilst being totally lost in the quest for the answer to the question that we aren’t even sure of! Clear as mud I would say.